To Love Dean Winchester
by Revhead
Summary: Love means different things to different people and manifests in different ways. Castiel tries to work out just what it means to love Dean Winchester. Destiel. NEW CHAPTER now posted, in which Dean contemplates what it would mean if he was in love with Castiel...
1. To Love Dean Winchester

**To Love Dean Winchester**

Castiel was unfamiliar with human emotions.

In any other area of human behaviour, customs or culture, Castiel was proficient in learning through observation, and where his knowledge lacked Dean was usually willing to help fill in the gaps – once he stopped laughing. But Dean did not like talking about emotions and, in any case, the particular issue Castiel was struggling with at the moment would be distinctly awkward to discuss with him.

So Castiel asked Sam.

"What does it mean to love someone?"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "As in – love, love?"

"I do not understand the distinction."

"Romantic love, as opposed to platonic or familial love," Sam clarified.

"Yes. Romantic love."

The expression on Sam's face was beyond the scope of Castiel's experience. It seemed to be a mixture of surprise, amusement, curiosity and something else – an almost knowing look? Castiel did not know how to decipher it, but he already had one puzzle befuddling him and could not spare the brain power for solving anything.

"The thing is, Cas, it is not very easy to explain."

"Why?"

"Well, because love means different things to different people. And a lot of it depends on the person you are in love with."

Castiel frowned. "How?"

Sam ran his fingers through his hair, as though trying to think of the right words. Castiel waited patiently. "Ah, let's see if I can give you an example. For me, back when I was at Stanford, loving Jess meant-" He faltered.

Castiel knew enough to realise this would be an uncomfortable topic for Sam after what had happened to his girlfriend. "You don't have to-"

"It's okay." Sam drew in a slow breath. "For me, loving Jess meant keeping my old life a secret and staying far away from anything remotely supernatural. It meant finding a place to call home for the first time in my life and asking her to move in with me. It meant letting my hair grow because she didn't want me to cut it. It meant telling her she was beautiful every day, going clothes shopping with her and not complaining when she spent two hours in the bathroom each morning getting ready. It meant listening to her sing as she baked and sampling each batch of cookies she made until she found the perfect recipe. It meant letting her drag me to parties when I would rather go to the library to study. It meant snuggling with her on the couch in front of a chick-flick eating chocolate ice-cream, going ice-skating out on the frozen lake, having picnics in the park and teaching her about constellations on starry nights. It meant holding her when she cried and smiling when she laughed. It meant picking out the perfect ring and planning a future together. It meant trying to keep her safe… and it meant being consumed by revenge when I couldn't save her."

"I am sorry, Sam."

Sam shook himself out of his reverie. "It was a long time ago."

"But it still hurts."

"Yeah," Sam sighed. "Love's a bitch that way."

Castiel frowned. Humans wrote songs and sonnets about this mysterious and supposedly wonderful emotion, but as far as he could tell it brought about just as much harm as happiness. "It sounds as though love is best avoided, then."

Sam gave him a small, sad smile. "You say that like anyone has a choice in the matter. You can't help who you fall in love with, Cas."

"That is… troubling."

"Maybe. But even if I had known that it would end in heartbreak, I wouldn't trade a single moment I had with Jess for anything."

"You are saying... the pain is worth it?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

Castiel took his time to absorb that information.

"Cas? Are you in love with someone?"

"You have given me some clarification on the subject," Castiel acknowledged cautiously, "but the matter still requires further consideration and analysis before a conclusion can be drawn."

Sam huffed a quiet laugh. "Well, I wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you, Sam."

With a flutter of wings, Castiel was gone, setting off on a grand adventure to discover just what it meant to love Dean Winchester.

ooOOoo

To love Dean Winchester, Castiel reflected, was to witness the torture he inflicted on souls in hell and feel, not revulsion or disgust, but compassion.

When ordered to raise a man from perdition, Castiel had been hesitant. Souls were sentenced to hades for a reason – for committing crimes against the Father or against their fellow man, for living in sin and being unrepentant, or for bargaining with demons out of greed. But Castiel had done his research on this man, this hunter, and discovered to his surprise that he was innocent. Dean had sacrificed himself for his brother, and greater love hath no man. His condemnation had been unjust, and his purity meant he would suffer greater torment than any other soul in hell.

It was for that reason that Castiel had fought so hard to reach him, and it was why he could not blame Dean for breaking before he could. He saw what the man had been forced to become, and he mourned for what had been lost. Castiel did not realise it then, but when he saw Dean's brokenness and strove to make him whole, emotion was awakened within him.

To love Dean Winchester was to reform his body with utmost care, leaving it unmarred by all scars save for the mark of his saviour. Castiel had always been awed by the beauty of his Father's creation, but never had he studied a human so intimately. Dean was perfection, and to sculpt him with his own hands was a privilege beyond any Castiel had ever known before. He should not have left his print on Dean's shoulder, but the urge to lay claim to this masterpiece was deep, primal, and impossible to resist.

To love Dean Winchester was to want to make him feel worthy. Dean did not believe he deserved to be saved. He had no concept of his own self-worth, and his great destiny made him feel burdened, not important. Castiel wished he knew a way to convey to Dean how precious he was, but words were insufficient and Castiel was at a loss.

To love Dean Winchester was to admire his courage. Castiel saw the way this human fought the monsters of the dark and stood up to the powers of heaven, and marvelled at his bravery. The risk to his life would not stop Dean from battling evil for the sake of the innocent, and even threats to cast him back in the pit would not turn Dean from a course of action he believed to be right. He held fast to his morals and would not bow for man, God or monster. Castiel should have been frustrated that Dean did not fear him, but instead of fear he earned trust, and to Castiel that was worth far more.

To love Dean Winchester was to learn from him. Dean taught the angel that the 'small' picture was just as important as the big one, and that the lives of innocent people should never be dismissed as collateral damage. He taught Castiel to never give up looking for a better solution and that surrender wasn't an option. He taught Castiel to throw away the script and think for himself.

To love Dean Winchester was to Fall. Castiel disobeyed. He rebelled against the will of Heaven, betrayed his brethren, abandoned his sworn duty and sacrificed everything he had. Not because he knew the 'right' and 'wrong' of the situation, but because he trusted that Dean knew. When everything was falling apart, he believed in Dean.

To love Dean Winchester was to accept that he was flawed. Despite giving the impression that he knew what he was doing, Dean made most of it up along the way, and sometimes he made mistakes. Sometimes he failed. Sometimes, although he had the best intentions, he made the wrong choices. Sometimes he was weak. But Castiel could never be disappointed in him for long, because time and again Dean stood back up and kept trying.

To love Dean Winchester was to fear for his safety. His work was dangerous and he always managed to get on the bad side of creatures both willing and able to rip him to shreds. Keeping him alive and unharmed was an exhausting task, almost too much for one angel to handle on his own. However, the consequences if Castiel failed were unbearable to think about so he gave it his all, even dying once or twice in his efforts to protect Dean.

To love Dean Winchester was to be jealous. Dean was very fond of physical pleasure and there seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of women falling over themselves to be with him. He never blinked twice at even the most attractive men, and chose to indulge in 'magic fingers' available in motel rooms when pickings were slim. Castiel was awkward, inexperienced and somewhat alarmed by the concept of physical intimacy, so it was no wonder that Dean never looked at him that way. It didn't stop Castiel from feeling jealous, though.

To love Dean Winchester was to find a little too much enjoyment in startling him with sudden appearances and invading his personal space. When Dean allowed him to get away with standing in such close proximity, and when surprise was swiftly replaced by relief or, better, happiness to see him, Castiel felt warmth spread through his insides.

To love Dean Winchester was to be teased endlessly but not mind in the slightest. Castiel had noticed the way that Dean picked on his little brother and realised it was his way of expressing affection. So when he was on the receiving end of Dean's jokes, Castiel felt cared for, not belittled.

To love Dean Winchester was to cherish even the smallest touch. Castiel held out for those moments when Dean would put a hand on his shoulder, muss his hair or straighten his tie. He stood close so they might bump shoulders and hoped that when he handed something to Dean their fingers would brush against each other. He wondered if Dean would go so far as to hug him some day. He daydreamed of more.

To love Dean Winchester was to be confused. Dean's speech was cluttered with many references to 'pop culture' that Castiel did not understand, and sometimes trying to decipher what Dean was thinking or feeling was even more perplexing.

To love Dean Winchester was to be frustrated by the lack of progress. Once Castiel came to terms with the burgeoning emotions he felt for Dean, his physical attraction began to increase exponentially. Everyone and their dog (a strange human expression; what did canines have to do with anything?) seemed able to tell that Castiel felt strongly for the human he spent so much time with, except for Dean himself who apparently remained oblivious.

To love Dean Winchester was to be captivated by green eyes.

To love Dean Winchester was to count the freckles on his face as often as he could.

To love Dean Winchester was to stand watch over him as he slept and ward off the nightmares.

To love Dean Winchester was to provide support, reassurance and back-up.

To love Dean Winchester was to come whenever he called and sometimes when he didn't.

To love Dean Winchester was to be yelled at, underappreciated, cursed and occasionally punched in the face.

To love Dean Winchester was to hate letting him down and to feel crushed when Dean was angry with him.

To love Dean Winchester was to adore his smile and do everything possible to draw one out of him. His laugh was even better.

To love Dean Winchester was to love everything about him. Every quirk, every mannerism, from his attachment to his car to the way he rocked out to his music when he thought no one was watching, from his charm and flirting to his moments of unexpected sincerity, from his shameless indulgence in iniquity to his tireless efforts to do the right thing, from his obsession with pie to his occasional attempts at home cooking, from his ruthless efficiency when hunting to his gentle compassion for the victims, from his confidence to his doubt.

Castiel was hopelessly, helplessly, whole-heartedly in love with Dean Winchester.

More often than not, loving him was difficult and painful.

But to love Dean Winchester, and to be loved in return… there was no greater feeling in the entire universe.

And Castiel discovered that, in the end, love was worth it after all.

_The End_


	2. If

**If**

If Dean was in love with Castiel – and, for the record, he most certainly was _not _– he would be under no illusions that it was anything other than a terrible idea. An awful, truly _stupid_ idea that would only end in heartbreak and tragedy. Dean wasn't an idiot. He wouldn't be dumb enough to fall in love, period, let alone with his best friend.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, it would mean a human was in love with an angel. It would mean a mortal man, doomed to die long before old age could claim him, was in love with a supernatural being; one who had lived for thousands of years and would live for thousands more if he didn't manage to get himself killed.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would face a crisis of sexual identity, despite claims that angels had no gender. Being an attractive male himself, Dean could recognise a fine specimen when he saw one, but he had never been attracted to a man before (Dr. Sexy didn't count). He was straight. He was supposed to be straight. He liked women. He had sex with women, frequently, and if he was never completely satisfied afterward, well that didn't really mean anything.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would struggle to reconcile the fact that Castiel and his vessel, Jimmy, were separate entities and he would have no clue how to deal with the whole mess of ethical issues that created.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel guilty for being a bad influence on him and for slowly but surely corrupting the angel. He would feel guilty for encouraging the perfect soldier to disobey orders, for pulling Castiel away from his family, for turning Cas against his father, for causing him to lose faith, for asking him to leave the only home he had ever known to protect Dean's. Above all, he would feel guilty for being responsible for the Fall of an angel.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would grieve every time he died. It would destroy him, little by little, piece by piece. He would want to scream and cry and beg for Castiel to come back to him. He would feel lost and hopeless and dead inside until Cas was mysteriously resurrected, and when the angel was taken from him again he would hold out for a miracle because the thought of losing Cas forever was unbearable.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would need Cas like he needed oxygen. He would feel lonely without him there. He would selfishly want to command all of the angel's attention and call him down for the smallest trivialities just so he could see him again.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would worry that Cas could read this thoughts and see into his dreams. His fantasies would run rampant, and he would worry that the angel would be repelled by them, disgusted by him.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would freak out at the thought of 'meeting the parents' – in this case, _God_ – or, if the big man didn't care enough to smite him personally, facing a multitude of protective older brothers instead. There had to be a particularly nasty circle of Hell reserved for a bastard who would defile an Angel of the Lord, and Dean had no doubt that the heavenly host would throw him straight back in the pit if he tried to make a move on one of their own. Worse, and all the more terrifying, was the thought that Castiel himself would react that way.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would stop pushing Cas toward women in bars or dragging him to hooker joints. He might even get jealous if a pretty girl on the street so much as batted her eyelashes at him. He would hate the idea of someone else stealing Cas away, touching him, being his first.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he wouldn't mind bearing the angel's hand print on his arm. For the man who had no home, who did not belong anywhere, it would be too easy to wilfully interpret the scar as a mark of possession. He could believe that finally, at the very least, he belonged to someone.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would read too much into the way Cas looked at him. He would delude himself into thinking that the angel found him interesting, like a puzzle to be solved, or considered him eye candy, like he was God's most handsome creation, or was so entranced by his good looks and sparkling personality that he couldn't look away.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would secretly enjoy the times when Castiel forgot about social etiquette and invaded his personal space. He would savour the scent that was all sunshine, freshly tilled earth and the ocean breeze. He would bask in the energy, the buzz of power, which radiated from the angel. He would steadfastly avoid looking at those perfect lips, knowing that he might lose all self-control if he did. He would notice how Castiel never seemed to accidentally crowd in close to anyone else, and wonder why he was the exception.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel comforted, not creeped out, by the idea of Cas watching over him while he slept. He would know that any night that passed without nightmares could be attributed to the angel's presence, and he would be grateful beyond words even as he wondered how much better he would sleep with Cas lying beside him.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would find himself preoccupied with the loose, backwards tie Castiel always wore. He would have to fight the desire to straighten it, or use it to tug Cas closer, or pull it off completely to gain access to the buttons of his shirt and then use it to… But his thoughts didn't go there. Often.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would want to wax poetical about stunning blue eyes and a jaw chiselled by Michelangelo himself. He would listen to sappy romantic songs and earn strange looks from his brother when he knew enough of the lyrics to sing along.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would have been captivated from the very moment he first laid eyes on him when Castiel had made his grand entrance into that warehouse, framed by bursting light bulbs and scattering bolts of electricity.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would have trusted him inexplicably from the beginning.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would find his cluelessness about humanity hopelessly endearing. He would be willing to show him the ropes of living life on earth and teach him how to interact with humans, but he would secretly hope that the angel would always retain some of his naivety.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he could be accused of deliberately using references Cas wouldn't understand so he could see that adorably confused expression on his face.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel a jolt in his stomach whenever he earned the slightest smile.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, the rough timbre of his voice would send shivers down his spine.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would want to make him proud, to deserve the trust the angel had in him, and he would hate letting him down.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he wouldn't mind all the innuendo about their relationship. In fact, he would probably feel wistful whenever someone referred to Cas as his boyfriend or suggested that Cas loved him.

But Dean _wasn't_ in love with Castiel.

Or, at least, that is what he tried very hard to tell himself for a very long time.

Until the day he looked deep into the eyes of his angel and saw the same emotions he had buried and denied reflected back at him. Until he was the one who stepped into Castiel's personal space, standing near enough to feel warm breath ghosting across his skin. Until he noticed the angel's gaze drop to his lips and saw his tongue dart out nervously to wet his own. Until Cas spoke his name in a deep, husky voice and slipped a hand around his neck to pull him in tantalisingly closer. Until Dean's fists closed around the lapels of Castiel's trench coat and gave a determined _tug_.

Their lips crashed together in a rush of heat and lust and want and desire and _love._ It was awkward, messy, fumbled and desperate, and it was the best kiss Dean had ever shared with anyone.

It turned out that Dean was an idiot, after all. If he had not been so deep in denial about his feelings and so oblivious to the way Castiel felt about him in return, they could have been doing this a lot sooner.

It was okay, though. They had every intention of making up for lost time.


End file.
